If I were to die tomorrow these would be the words I would have wished to share. The following is the most important thing I know and have to offer others. We all want to build and grow our connection to others yet we often feel as if we are failing at it or not sure how to do this.

With our animals it is often a lot worse and though we love them we sometimes wonder if they are connected to us, or we marvel at the connection others seem to have with animals. Frustratingly sometimes we see a person working with one of our own animals and it seems immediately more connected to them than to us. We assume the person who has this connection power has a special innate gift. Something they are born with and not something you can learn and with effort, practice, and do just as well.

I am here to explain what is important in building and growing connection, no matter if it is with another human or animal. All of us including animals seek in a friendship two things, one, a feeling of comfort and safety, and two, to be well seen, felt and understood. If we feel these things from another being and we respond in kind a deep connection to one another will blossom and grow.

Good points, and all true, but we must slow way down and take this apart to really get at the essence of what it means. How does one present a feeling of comfort and security to another? The answer is, the same way as they would to themselves, by having a calm mind, one void of worries about the future or bad memories from past experience. A mind focused in the present moment, the hear and now in both space and time.

It is work to cultivate this mental state but it can be done with a number of forms of meditation and practice. It’s not just a nice state to work with an animal in, but a vital state in building the connection, because the animal picks up on your feeling state and it can not be faked. So to offer a feeling of well being and security to an animal you have to be in that state yourself.

The second part is the listening, the letting the animal know that you see, feel and understand them. We’ve all probably heard this a lot recently, this is getting to be buzz word stuff, but again, what does it really mean?

It means to be in that present state and really paying attention to what you are seeing. To understand that the horse that lifts his hind leg at you when you go to fly spray his flanks is not “being bad” he is responding perhaps to being sprayed with a cold liquid in a sensitive area. If you were attentive, you might notice that his whole body draws in and tightens up before he lifts the leg in warning. Think how you would react without words to someone spraying you with a cold substance. It means that the horse who has a desire to run and buck when ridden in the ring may be responding to most of his life in a stall alone. How did you feel during COVID? He is after all a herd animal designed to run on large plains and live among other horses. He never did dwell in a cave. It means that the dog who won’t get in the car is not bad but feels sick by the motion.

Animals have been trying to tell you things. The brushing feels too hard. The pavement burnt their feet and they no longer like going for a walk. They have been bought and sold so much they are afraid of getting on the trailer for fear they will not be returning to their herd mates and home. We do know animals feel these things yet we ghost them so much without meaning to.

Learn to pay attention to what your animal is telling you on the micro level. This is so important to them. See that there are legitimate reasons for their anxieties and their “nos” to your questions. Understand that their acting out is an expression of not being seen, heard, felt or understood.

Listening on a deep level will make your animal feel so much better. They will learn that they can trust you to understand them and their concerns. This will grow the bond and the connection. Some might pejoratively call this getting soft, but when a horse is soft for you he is in a flow state with you, and therefore you are soft as well. Softness is a flow state. It does not force. It works in the present moment in a state of mutual cooperation. This is the ultimate goal of a human- animal partnership. Let's move towards softness with our animals.

About the sticky ant that brought this article into being. Lately, I have been growing even more, my practice of awareness, present moment and attention to what animals are telling me. I walked by a plate of sugar water that had been put out for the honey bees. The water was almost gone and had been drying in the sun so the last bit of sweet water was like a thick syrup. There was an ant in the middle of the syrup all crumpled up. I saw him make a slow little wiggle barely being able to raise a leg out of the sticky syrup.

Old me might have gone on by, not noticing hm and his plight, but the new me saw that the little wave of his leg was a struggle for survival. A plea to stay in life a little longer. I was paying attention. Could I help the ant to live? I got a little stick and fished him out. He did not grab the stick but rather instead just stuck to it. He was crumpled up and all stuck together. He barely had any energy left to move or to fight for life. I almost just gave up then but then the thought occurred. Could I perhaps rinse him off with a drop of water? It worked. Attention is the key to life and connection. Aim for ultimate softness

The plan was to teach Malachi and Shannon how to share the present moment feeling with each other and to teach Shannon how to do this at Malachi’s pace using Mindful Regard in a comfortable space. Once Malachi and Shannon get used to going in to the present moment together, they can start to do this work together in situations and places that are a little more stressful. Overtime this practice will teach Malachi to self-regulate his nervous system appropriately in situations that are new to him or that might scare him a bit. He will also be building a stronger connection to Shannon as he will be aware that she is the one listening to him and helping him to adjust to new circumstances and experiences.

This means instead of immediately switching in to a high thinking panic state Malachi will have a lower default thinking level and will be able to judge his situation better when something scares him. He will also instead of turning “woody” out of panic, he will tune in to Shannon because they have built a connection where by Shannon being present will be able to help Malachi to calm down and feel safe.

Despite Malachi only arriving the day before our session we were able to bring Malachi’s thinking levels down from a starting point of about 5 (calm alert state) to a 0 (fully asleep) while working with him in his borrowed stall. If Shannon works regularly with Malachi, first at their home and then later in new places, he will become a really adjusted and chill mule even in new situations and when stall buddies can not be right next door. He will also know to look to Shannon when he gets scared instead of becoming “woody” and unresponsive from fear as their connection and trust in one another will really grow and deepen.

Pickle was a mighty fine chap. I had a lot of good times with him. Sadly, he had to be put down at his retirement farm in Va on May 10th 2024 from complications due to laminitis. He was living these past four years on a beautiful farm in a herd of retired horses. He palled up there with a horse named Sarah who had also belonged to me even though they did not meet until they were both retired  in Va. Pickle was rescued out of a kill pen and had once been starved. It was nice that his life became one of love and richness but unfortunate that excess had to be his undoing, although many tried their very best to keep him fit and healthy. He will be missed. He was well loved.

This week I have been at Leatherwood Mule Days visiting with people and their mules. I have been doing individual Trust Technique sessions with mules and their owners. It has been really interesting finding out what's on the brains and hearts of some of these mules and their owners and being able to help them find peace together in their partnerships. I am planning to write a post about this experience when Mule Days comes to an end on Saturday. For now I will just note an overall feeling I am having about the will of these mules to try hard and to be OK in their lives and for their people and the will of the people to love and want to help their mules.

The Trust Technique Sessions for Leatherwood Mule Days have sold out but if you did not get to book an appointment with me for a Trust Technique Session. I do offer Zoom appointments anywhere and appointments in person within an hour of Lenoir. Appointments over 30 min away have a $50.00 farm call fee. Find out more here.