Free Will Horse Training vs. Using Force - Understanding the Path to Authentic Connection- The Two Step Way

Ivan and I working on slowly building our authentic connection.

The Three Roads of Horse Training

When it comes to training horses, there are really three different paths you can take. Understanding the difference between authentic connection and what I call "Stockholm syndrome" in horses is crucial for anyone working with these animals.

The Treat-Dependent Relationship
The first road is what we see a lot in positive reinforcement training – where the motivation often revolves around treats. Don't get me wrong, sometimes you need that motivation, but here's the thing: if you're not careful, you end up with a horse who only comes to you for the cookie. You walk into the pasture, the horse sniffs your hands, realizes you don't have anything, and walks away. That's not a real connection.
Think of it like having a friend who only shows up when you have craft beer. Sure, they're excited when you've got the goods, but if you show up empty-handed, suddenly they're not interested in hanging out. That's not friendship; that's using someone. You’ve got to find the way “to be” with them that offers a sustenance they seek, a reason to want to partner up with you. What do you have of yourself that is valuable to the horse? Things that are valuable to horses are, no big surprise, the same things we crave in our own friendships, things like a sense of fun, good listening skills, fairness, kindness and confidence.

The Pressure and Appeasement Response
The second road is where things get troubling. This is the traditional "join up" method you often see in round pens - you pressure the horse, make them move around until they turn an ear toward you and eventually come in. On the surface, it looks like the horse is choosing to connect with you, but really, they're just thinking: "I'm tired, this person isn't going away, I might as well appease them because it's easier than constantly running around and trying to avoid them."
This gets much more serious when you're dealing with what I call the Stockholm syndrome scenario. Picture this: a horse is put in a small stall with an intimidating guy, door closed, rope thrown over his neck. The horse is clearly stressed - you can see it in his body language, the whites of his eyes showing, head held high. But eventually, through sheer immobilization and no escape route, that horse freezes and submits. While the guy puts a halter on him for the first time.
Here's the really telling part - afterward, that horse might follow the trainer around, and people think "wow, look at that connection!" But put that same horse in a big pasture an hour later, and he'll flee from that person like his life depends on it. Once he has space and choices again, his true feelings become clear.
But if that guy comes for a few days in a row and halters him the same way eventually the horse won’t even try to get away from the guy, he will just stand there frozen and internalized. He has shown his compliance but not his will. In fact the horse may have buddied up with him in an effort to keep himself safe.

The Authentic Will Connection
The third road - and this is what we're really aiming for - is authentic will. This is when you walk into the pasture and the horse thinks, "There's my person, I want to come hang out with them." No treats necessary, no pressure applied. Just genuine desire to be together.
I've worked with wild mustangs and feral horses where we have built this kind of connection with them slowly, at their pace. Each interaction, I'd ask the horse, "Do you still want to play this game?" And the horse would choose to engage, step by step, testing his own bravery at his own pace. That's the horse operating from authentic will - expanding his comfort zone because he wants to, not because he has to.

The Danger of Misreading Signals
Here's what's scary about pressure-based methods: they can create horses that look willing but are actually operating from appeasement. These horses have learned that submission is safer than resistance. They've experienced that feeling of being trapped with no escape, and they never want to go back there. So they comply with people at a much lower threshold of pressure - not because they want to, but because they're trying to avoid triggering that traumatic memory, or just because they have learned that it is safer and easier on themselves to comply.

The Real Test
The real test of authentic connection versus this Stockholm like syndrome is simple: give the horse a choice. Put him in a big space where he can easily walk away from you or stay away from you. Does he seek you out, choose to interact with you, or does he ignore you or leave? That tells you everything you need to know about whether your relationship is built on genuine connection or learned helplessness.
The goal isn't to eliminate all pressure from horse training - sometimes horses, like children, need to learn things they wouldn't naturally choose. But we need to be honest about what we're doing and strive for that authentic will whenever and however possible. Because at the end of the day, the most rewarding relationships - with horses or humans - are the ones where both parties genuinely want to be there.